this feeling

As we approach the second anniversary of the birth of our first daughter,

I have this feeling...

This feeling that I can remember as if it was last week. The leaves at their peak here in Greenville, the crispness in the air, and the great anticipation of what was to come.

There's nothing like that first baby. The excitement of it is beyond words. So much unknown and the disbelief that this day is coming. This day that you've been dreaming of for much of your life. This day that will bring the greatest amount of raw emotion that you have ever felt.

Who will she look like? Will she, indeed, be a girl? Oh, Lord, after all of this, puh-LEASE help her to be a girl. Actually, scratch that. Lord, just help it to be one or the other!

Funny the thoughts that course through the mind of a pregnant woman.

The days drag on. And on. And on. Your worst fear is that you will be one of those women who goes 3 weeks overdue, and that you will give birth to a 13 lb. baby when it's all said and done.

The falling of leaves and the cool nights used to take me back to college days. Carefree evenings that probably shouldn't have been so carefree. Nonetheless, I'm glad they were...

Now, all I can think about is November, 2009. Like catching a wiff of the shampoo you used to use in high school... you're instantly back there....

Right now I'm back there. Reliving it in the corners of my mind. Pulling out those files of memories. Remembering the hours spent working on her nursery, that green chair that I would go and sit in and imagine what it would be like. What it would be like when she got here... here in my arms.

Everything was clean. Everything was in its place. There was absolutely nothing left to do but wait. Literally, I sat around my house and drank raspberry tea.

And fyi, it doesn't work.

There was so much beauty in that time and place. Time with my husband that I cherished. There were movies and dinners out with no restraints, but realization that it would soon come to an end. In the same breath there was so much joy in knowing that with the ending of that season, a far better one would soon begin. We welcomed it with open arms.

Will I always feel this way?

This rushing flood of emotion at the drop of the first autumn leaf.

At the rainbow of colors outside of my window.

This bittersweetness that the birth of my firstborn has come and gone.

I may not.

But I hope I do.

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